The Blind Date from Hell
by Lilly

If you told me yesterday I’d be sitting in a jail cell in downtown Colorado Springs, I would have laughed my head off. However, here I am in custody for something I did not cause all because of a date.

The day had started out bad and had only got worse as it wore on.

I look through the bars and mutter curses under my breath.

If I ever get my hands on Dixon, his wife will become a widow, his children fatherless.

“It’s just a date, Jack. What’s the worst that could happen?”

That question has been ringing in my head ever since that fateful conversation.

“Yeah Dixon, what’s the worst that could happen,” I mutter again as I run a hand over my face and wince.

I had forgotten about the black eye I had received and looked at my knuckles. The general was not going to be a happy man. I wondered if I’d be sent to Antarctica for this latest fiasco, for something as innocent as a date.

I snort and recall how I had ended up here on that faithful day. The day my troubles began.

“Come on Jack, it’s just a date what could possibly go wrong? You’d be doing me a big favor. I got you those Avalanche tickets, it’s the least you could do for me.”

I rolled my eyes at Dixon. He had been hounding me for a couple of days, looking for a date for his wife’s cousin who was moving into town.

Daniel had said no and Teal’c was not interested in Tauri women. He preferred the Amazonian type.

“Dixon, I don’t know I’m really busy. I said I’d think about it and I have. I don’t think it’s a good ideal. I hate blind dates.”

Dave wouldn’t relent.

“Didn’t you tell me that’s how you and Sara met? Come on, lightning might strike twice for you. She could be your soul mate and you’d never know.”

My soul mate was here at the SGC but that was another subject. I looked at my watch and remembered I needed to get to the infirmary.

“Whoops gotta go, forgot about my check up with the Doc, talk to you later.”

“What are you afraid of? She won’t bite, she’s really sweet. Hey, we’ll double date. Me and Linda, you and Millicent.”

My eyebrows shot up so high Teal’c would be jealous.


“Millie for short, she’s had a rough couple of years and is coming here for a clean start. Come on, be a pal, Jack. Stay an hour, if you don’t feel a connection you can bail.”

“Look, I’m not afraid, I’m just really busy. I have to go before doc comes after me with her needles.”

I heard him yell out ‘coward’ before I made it to the elevator.

I walked into an empty infirmary. I was about to call out to Doc when I heard voices coming from her office.

Carter was talking to Doc Frasier.

I moved closer, wondering what the topic of conversation was. I knew I shouldn’t be doing this but my curiosity got the better of me. Not wanting them to know I was in the room, I silently moved closer to hear. Someday curiosity really will kill this cat.
“I don’t know Janet, he’s really a nice guy.”

Doc snorted.

“Nice guys don’t do background checks on the girls they are dating.”

Paul, Pedro, what was the cop’s name that Carter had started dating? Pete. That’s it. I was under the impression she had dumped him after the whole Osiris fiasco. If that’s who they were talking about, why was she still dating him?

I thought she was never going to speak to him again. She had nursed him back to health. I even backed her up when she asked if he could be told about the program. That was before we got the memo about the background check done by the FBI and how it had been traced back to Pete.

She was so upset that he had done a background check on her; she stopped seeing him swearing she would never date again.

I inched closer. Was she really thinking of dating that guy again? One question kept repeating in my mind. “Why?”

“Look Janet, I realize that what Pete did freaked everyone out. I was angry as hell at first, but he wasn't doing it to be a prick. With me being in the military, he knew I wouldn’t tell him anything and his curiosity just got the better of him. As for showing up at the stake out, he admitted he screwed up royal there. When my background check came back too clean he knew I was involved with something bigger then I was letting on to. He's sworn he won't do anything like that again and I think he deserves a second chance. Please, try to understand," Sam pleaded, hoping Janet would at least try to give Pete a second chance. To drive bring her point in, she added, "everyone deserves a second chance." Sam paused letting her words sink in.

I closed my eyes. I thought this dating phase Carter was going through was over. I guess I was wrong.

“Sam, don’t settle for less, you deserve so much better. Too be honest with you, I think you’re way out of his league. A relationship is nothing without trust and if he’s doing that behind your back then what else do you have to look forward too? You deserve to be happy, you deserve the best. We both know who that is for you.”

Doc was right Carter deserved to be happy. This guy wouldn’t make her happy. The best? Who was the best? Unwilling to give my position away, I resisted the urge to ask whom that might be.

“Who says I’m settling, Janet? He makes me laugh. He’s very charming, in an odd way, and he makes me feel like I’m the only woman on earth. He adores me and I like the attention he showers on me. It’s refreshing, I never knew how much I missed that till I started dating Pete. Besides, I can’t wait forever. I have to move on. I’m tired of waiting for prince charming. Fairytales are for little girls.”

My heart sank. Prince Charming, well that ruled me out. I wasn’t the prince charming type, more like the frog.

I slipped out of the room without making a sound. All those years of Special Ops training come in handy at times.

Settling, that’s what she was doing. I knew I’d lost her, but did I ever have her? I thought we had a connection that the Zatarc screening had brought our true feelings out, but she was right. She couldn’t wait forever and I wouldn’t want her to. If he could give her what she was missing, who was I to stand in her way to actually having a normal life, kids, marriage?

I went to my office. I had a call to make.

“Dixon, its Jack, tell me about Millicent. Yes, this is Jack O’Neill, and no I haven’t been replaced by a pod. Hey, keep that up and I’ll hang up and leave you to deal with your wife. I thought so. What time should I pick her up, or should we meet somewhere?”

I was late, but not intentionally.

I left on time, but got cold feet at the last minute.

I drove half way there, then stopped and turned around telling myself that it was a dumb ideal. After all, I am an Air Force Colonel for crying out loud! I can take Dixon’s ribbing for chickening out. Besides, why was he so damn insistent on me taking the woman out?

I thought about that and groaned. He could be relentless. If he got his team involved, it would be worse. I figured I could have Hammond send him to the Alpha site if he got too out of hand.

I smiled then felt guilty thinking of poor Millicent, Millie for short.

Dave said his wife had told her about me and she was excited.

Excited and looking forward to meeting a military man. I sighed as I turned my truck around, heading back to the restaurant and cursing myself for feeling bad about ditching a woman I hadn’t even met. Dave had given me a general description of her, but he hadn’t seen her for 10 years. A lot could’ve happen in 10 years.

I was tempted to turn my truck around and head for the mountain claiming there was an emergency that needed my immediate attention.

I could probably pull it off after the day from hell I had. It being Friday the 13th added fuel to the fire.

I knew I should have ditched work and stayed home when I woke up this morning to the phone ringing. It was Daniel, wondering if I was going to show anytime soon.

I’d looked at my alarm clock and groaned. There had been a wicked storm the night before. My power must have gone out sometime during the night.

I asked what time it was and knew I had a little over an hour to get to the base for our briefing. I told him to transfer me over to Hammond and explained why I was going to be late.

Driving to the mountain, I had been pulled over by a police officer for speeding. I pulled out my military ID and told him I was late for an important meeting. He didn’t look particularly sympathetic and asked for my insurance. Like I really needed that. He came back, gave me a warning, and told me he didn’t want to see me in any more trouble. I told him he wouldn’t be seeing me anytime soon.

I was almost to the mountain when the cosmic law that said ‘when Jack O’Neill needs to get somewhere fast everything that can possible go wrong must go wrong’ kicked in. My tire blew. I pulled to the side and put my head on the steering wheel. Carter had warned me about the tire two weeks ago when we had gone out on team night. Her warning of getting it fixed or replaced played in my mind.

I had almost finished changing said tire when my cell phone rang again.

Snippy Jack took over. “What!”

“Ah, sir, it’s Carter. You’re still not here and we were wondering if you were coming in. General Hammond is about to call us for the 0900 briefing.”

I looked at my watch, which of course, had stopped. I rolled my eyes and pleaded with the man upstairs for a break, let out a sigh and rubbed my hand over my face.

“I know Carter, I had a little truck trouble. I’m fixing a flat and before you start with I told you so, it hasn’t been the best of mornings. Can you just transfer me to the General so I can give him an update on my morning from hell?”

I heard her try to cough to cover a giggle. I knew she was smiling as she cleared her throat.

“No problem sir. Do you need any help? I know how to change tires. I could be there in no time.”

“Thanks, but no. I’ll see you in a bit.”

I was transferred to the general. I gave him a run down of my morning and he moved the briefing to 1000.

I made it to the mountain and walked through the first checkpoint. I sulked past him and the second guard and headed straight to the locker room. I walked to the bathroom sink and was about to wash my hands when Daniel walked in.

“Ah Jack, you in here? It’s almost time.…”

I looked in the mirror and closed my eyes, as I yelled. “Why didn’t anyone say I had dirt all over my face?”

Daniel tried, with little success, not to laugh. I refrained from throttling him.

“Maybe because you were in such a great mood no sane person wanted to get in your way.”

Damn but that man could do sarcasm quite well when he wanted to. “Daniel, I’m warning you, it’s not a good day so let’s get to the briefing before I strangle you.”

I washed up quickly then changed, while Daniel waited impatiently.

I followed him out of the locker room and came face to face with SG3.

Dixon started in immediately.

“Hi Jack, I was beginning to think you where going to back out on me. I was about to call Linda and ask her to drop by your place for a visit”

They were going to the briefing as well, so I had to put up with more ribbing.

“Funny Dave, if you keep this up I might just leave you high and dry and have Linda take it out on you.”

Dave smiled at me as he threw his arms up in mock defeat. “Just kidding! The last time I got Linda that upset she threatened to throw me out, said I was such a pain in the ass no one could possibly live with me and maintain their sanity.” He laughed then added, “So, are you ready for tonight? I know this is going to be a night you won’t forget. Hell, you might be thanking me for finding Mrs. Right.”

“Mrs. Right?”

I turned to see a confused Carter approaching us.

“Yes, Major, Jack is going on a hot date tonight. Linda and I are doubling with him and my wife’s cousin, Millie.”

She turned to me and tried to hide the shocked expression on her face.

“A date sir, wow, sounds like fun. Good for you.”

She didn’t sound too happy about it. I thought ‘this is wrong’, but she had made her choice when she went out and found a life. I had to move on too.

“I’m helping Dixon out. It’s pretty pathetic if you ask me, agreeing to a blind date that is.”

“Don’t let him fool you Carter, Jack met his wife on a blind date. Lightning has, on occasion, stuck twice. He’ll be thanking me by the time this night is over. Hell he might even make me his best man.”

I was about two seconds from belting him when General Hammond came in and we found our seats for the briefing.

Carter was distant, but listened as Daniel babbled on about the next planet on the mission list and what we would find there.

She didn’t look my way and was avoiding my attempts to get her attention. I was tempted to kick her under the table but thought better of it.

The General gave us the go ahead for tomorrow. SG-1 would be the lead team, SG-13 would tag along to watch our sixes.

Dixon came over to where I was sitting.

“0700 tonight, don’t forget. It’ll be fun. You’ll see. Linda’s looking forward to leaving the rug rats at home and actually having a decent conversation with adults.”

I couldn’t fault the woman there, Sara would be desperate for some quality adult time when I’d come home from long missions.

I tried to get Carter’s attention but she was talking to Daniel and Bosworth.

“I’m sure she is, but I don’t see why . . .”

“It’s just a date. You’re not marrying the woman. Jeez, Jack, it’s a meal and conversation that’s all. As I said, she’s new in town. The last time I saw her she was working as a librarian. She’s a sweet lady, she had a boyfriend and he broke her heart so she moved here for a fresh start. I don’t think she’s looking to settle down and have kids or anything like that. What’s the worse that could happen?”

I watched as Carter left with Daniel, no backward glance, no invitation for cake.

“Yeah, you’re right Dave what is the worse that could happen.” It’s been said that hindsight is twenty-twenty. Truer words were never spoken.

Things seemed to settle down after that and I thought I was safe. Carter avoided me, which ticked me off. Why should she care about what I do on my downtime? Dave was right it could be a start to something new.

I pulled into O’Malley’s, parked my truck, and walked inside. Checking my watch, I noticed I was 20 minutes late. I wasn’t overly concerned. If asked, I could always fall back on the ‘I got stuck in traffic’ excuse.

I looked around for Dave and Linda but couldn’t find them. Maybe they were late too.

I scanned the bar for a petite brunette in her mid 30’s with glasses. After a few seconds I noticed a woman who fit the description and walked to the bar, taking a seat as I came up beside her. Before I could introduce myself, a loud roar was heard at the other end of the bar. I turned to see what had caused the ruckus and saw a tall red head surrounded by men all vying for her attention.

My date and I turned at the same time to see what was going on.

I smiled. “Some people love to draw attention to them selves don’t they?”

She smiled back. “Yeah, she’s done that since she’s been here. Works though, she’s gotten every guys attention in the place.”

I extended my hand. “I’m Jack. You must be Millie. Dave told me about you.”

“Hello, Jack. It’s nice to meet you, but my name isn’t Millie, its Emily.”

Slightly embarrassed, I apologized. “Sorry, I thought you were my date.”

She smiled warmly. “Sorry. Not me, but if she doesn’t show . . .”

My cell phone rang. I released her hand and answered.

“Jack, it’s Dave. I’m sorry we’re late but we had a slight emergency.”

I heard him tell Linda to stop trying to grab the damn phone he could drive and talk at the same time.

“Sorry. I hate to do this to you but we’re going to have to cancel. Rug rat number three decided he didn’t want mommy to go out with daddy tonight. He said didn’t feel well then promptly barfed all over our living room. Linda says he has a high temperature and where on our way to the emergency room.”

“Oh no you don’t Dave, don’t do this to me. I think we should reschedule when your kid’s feeling better. I haven’t seen her yet. Call and tell her I had an emergency at the base.”

“Too late Linda called her first. She’s already there. Go on and have dinner with her. Millie is a great woman. You’ll have fun.

I heard a muttered curse then Dave said, “Hold on.”

I heard Linda in the background.

“You told him he was going out with Millie? You see David Bartholomew Dixon, you never listen when I talk to you. Just nod and agree to everything. I told you her name is Maddie, not Millie. Just give me the phone.”

I heard him groan and swear.

“You said Millie! I would never set Jack up with Maddie. She’s, well, she’s Maddie. Oh boy, this is great Linda. Jack’s going to make you a widow!”

Dave got back on the phone.

“Jack, I set you up with the wrong cousin. You’re going out with Maddie. She’s a tall red head and quite a handful. I did get one part right. She did recently move here after breaking up with her no good boyfriend. I’m really sorry about this. Linda says she’s at the bar. If she’s been drinking beware, she’s a little on the . . . wild side.”

I heard some kind of commotion, probably Linda trying to pull the phone out of Dave’s hand. I couldn’t make out what was being said, a second later the phone went dead.

I looked up to see Emily staring at me.

“So, are you free for dinner Jack?”

Before I could answer, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned and knew I was in trouble.

“Hello Honey, my name’s Madeline Eileen Ryan, Maddie for short. I’m Linda’s cousin. You have to be Jack O’Neill. What a pleasure to meet you. Linda did say you were one hell of a hunk. A silver fox, if I recall, is what she said and that’s only the things I can repeat!”

She let out a cackle that drew attention to us.

I looked over at Emily and I could see the pity in her eyes. I was sure my face was bright red.

Maddie looked at Emily and wedged herself in between us.

“Sorry honey, he’s spoken for. Why don’t you scoot over? Or you could try your luck with the losers I just left behind.”

Emily looked like she was about ready to slap the woman, but simply stood up.

“I was just leaving. Nice meeting you Jack.”

I watched her leave then looked at my date.

She was not what I expected.

She was a tall red head with curves everywhere. She had blue eyes, not as blue as a certain blond-haired major, but blue. She wore a short red dress that left little to the imagination and appeared to be in her late 30’s.

“Sugar, did the cat catch your tongue or are you going to say something. You haven’t even asked me to sit down. Very naughty Jackie! I’m going to have to hold that against you and you’re going to have to make it up to me.”

Did she just call me Jackie? No one called me Jackie, not even my own mother. Oy, this was going to be a long night. I cleared my throat.

“Yeah, right. Nice to meet you.” I patted Emily’s vacated stool. “Have a seat.”

She smiled and cooed, “thank you sugar, I was worried you weren’t going to show. When Linda called to tell me her baby had gotten sick, I thought I was going to be alone. But you being the true gentleman you are you came. So Jackie, what have you got planned for us tonight since the chaperones aren’t around?”

What the hell had Dixon gotten me into here?

She leaned forward and her fingers started to walk up my arm.

I smiled and thought of the different ways I was going to kill Dave. Slowly, I pulled back and grabbed her hand she placed it back on her lap.

“I thought we’d have dinner then listen to the live band here tonight, so that should be fun. We had reservations for 2000 hours.” At her blank expression he added, “8 o’clock. Let me see if they’re ready for us.”

She placed her hand on my shoulder and leaned in close to my ear, whispering provocatively. “What ever you say sweetie. I love a man that takes charge.”

I stood quickly and walked over to the hostess. I glanced at her nametag before addressing her. “Jane, reservations where made for Dixon, party of four, but there’s been a change. There will only be two of us and if you can squeeze us in a little early I will be forever in your debt.”

She apologized and said she was booked solid and that she had never gotten our reservation. She showed me her book and I cursed.

Dave Dixon was so going to pay for this. Various methods of torture flittered through my mind. He was in charge of the reservations. My attention returned to the hostess. “Do you know how long it will be before a table becomes available?”

Jane seemed sincerely apologetic as she answered. “I’ll do my best to get you in soon, but it may be a while.”

I thanked her and pulled out my phone. I dialed Daniel’s number and got his machine. I asked him to call me as soon as he got the message.

I looked over and saw my date she pointed at me and with her finger beckoned me back.

This was going to be a long night.

“Who was that?” She asked as I sat back down.

“I was checking in with work. I may have to leave early.”

She put her hand in my leather jacket and pulled out my phone. I tried to grab it, but she moved back and placed it in her handbag.

“The Army is going to have to do without its best man tonight. You’re all mine sugar and I don’t’ play well with others so no interruptions, just you and me.”

“That’s Air Force,” I said, agitated, “and I really need my phone back. I am on call and if I have to leave then I’m going to have to go. There’s no way around it that.”

She stopped smiling and turned away.

Damn! I had hurt her feelings. I was not good at handling women with hurt feelings.

I sighed. “Maddie what’s wrong?”

She sniffed. You’re gonna leave ain’tcha? I told Linda this was a bad ideal. Good guys are never interested in me. I turn them off. I bet you just can’t wait to get away. Its okay Jackie, I understand. Why don’t you go now? Really, I understand.”

OK, so that was true, if not necessarily kind.

She had not turned around and by the sound of it, was on the verge of tears. Maybe she wasn’t that bad, maybe I had misjudged her, maybe I should be a gentleman and stick it out.

I touched her arm and she looked up at me.

“Maddie, I’m not going anywhere. Really, I just had to check up at work. That’s all. Unless they call me in, I’m all yours tonight. What would you like to drink?”

She gave me back my phone then smiled and wrapped her arms around my neck.

“Oh Jackie we are going to have a blast tonight. Just wait and see this will be a night you won’t forget!”

Where’d the tears go? Before I could ask, she pulled me closer and kissed me. I tried to pull back but she was stronger then she looked.

I heard someone clearing their throat behind me.

Maddie looked up and tilted her head. “Sorry honey, he’s taken, but if you’re a waitress I’ll take a double JD with a splash of water. What do you want Jackie? ”

I turned around and came face to face with my 2IC. Now would be a good time to be beaming me up Thor old pal, old buddy.

To say Carter was shocked is an understatement. I tried to pull away from Maddie, but she wouldn’t budge.

“Do you know her Jackie? Ex girlfriend, wife, lover?”

Carter gasped, I groaned. Could this night get any worse?

I finally managed to pull myself away from Maddie and turned to Carter.

“I’m sorry sir. I was just going say hi. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

Maddie was glaring at Carter.

Carter turned to walk away. I grabbed her before she got far. “Carter, wait, let me introduce you to my date. Major Samantha Carter, Madeline Ryan. You can call her Maddie. Carter here works with me and with Dave.”

Maddie stepped back and sized Carter up. She smiled and kept a hand on my shoulder.

“You two work together? Oh that must be fun, and with Davie too? Wow, aren’t you the lucky gal to have all these handsome men to look at and get paid.”

I couldn’t hold back a groan. Carter looked at me and smiled a most unfriendly smile.

“Yeah the Air Force has its perks Maddie.”

Carter offered her hand and Maddie shook it. Never taking her hand off me, she looked over Carter’s shoulder.

“So, are you here alone or are you meeting someone Sammie? Such a pretty girl like you, I bet you have to beat them off with a stick.”

Maddie came closer to me and pulled me closer.

“No, I’m meeting my boyfriend here.”


Great Pete was coming over, just what I needed to complete my night. The date from hell and to actually see Carter and super cop together sucking face. Yup, this night just kept getting better and better.

I shook myself and regrouped. Okay, two can play at this.

I put my arm around Maddie and she smiled.

“So you and Pedro are back together, that’s great Carter. It’s good that you two worked out your problems.”

She paled, and nodded.

“His name is Pete, sir, as you well know. It’s our first official date since, well you know, and I was going to tell you guys. It just never came up.”

“Yeah you seem to be really busy lately. I understand.”

She looked like she was about to respond when two arms snaked around her waist.

“Hey beautiful, sorry I’m late, got stuck on a case.”

I gritted my teeth and took a deep breath.

Carter looked over her shoulder and smiled.

“Its okay, Pete, I was talking to the colonel and his date. Pete Shanahan this Maddie Ryan, Maddie this is my boyfriend, Pete.”

Maddie beamed at Pete.

She let out another peal of laughter.

I closed my eyes and wondered when that damn table would be ready.

Pete laughed. “Ah no, Maddie, I’m a cop. I work for the Denver PD but I’m here on a special case, which I don’t mind too much. It let’s me spend time with Sam here.”

Maddie nodded.

“Oh, and all the special perks that come with that too. I bet you don’t mind spending time in Colorado Springs and Sammie reaps from the benefits too.”

Carter blushed and I caught her eyes, she was embarrassed. I so didn’t want to know what the ‘perks’ were.

“Ah, so . . . what does everyone want to drink? First rounds on me.”

“Thanks, Colonel, I’d love a beer. Sam, what do you want?”

“I’ll have the same, and I think Maddie wanted a double JD with a splash of water.”

I motioned for the bartender and gave him our order.

Pete was whispering something in Carter’s ear. Maddie leaned closer to me.

“So how do we get rid of these two so we can be alone?”

She leaned back when the drinks where brought to us. I handed Carter and Pete their beers and Maddie took a sip of her drink. I had settled on a beer, but longed for a nice Irish whiskey. Preferably the whole bottle, but with Maddie I had to be on my toes.

Carter looked at Maddie. “Maddie, are you new in town? Colonel Dixon never mentions much about his extended family, just Linda and the kids.”

“Yeah, I came from a town smaller then this. It only had one stop light. This is all new for me, like going to a big city. I always heard from Linda what a great town Colorado Springs was. I had a bit of a rough time in my old town. I’m here now and loving every minute of it. It’s so great and now that I’m making new friends like Jackie here, I might never leave.”

She leaned close and gave me a peck on the cheek.

“That’s great. So, is this you twos first date,” Pete asked.

“Why yes it is Petey. Get this, it’s a blind date. I was a little nervous at first. Then I saw him sitting at the bar tall, dark and handsome I knew it was my lucky day! I can’t wait to thank Linda for setting us up and Davie is my pal for life!”

She leaned into me, practically sitting on my lap. She almost slid off her stool and I had to put my arm around her waist.

She smiled and thanked me.

Pete pulled Carter closer to him.

“Sam and I where set up by her brother. I’m forever grateful to him for doing me this big favor. I might name our firstborn after him”

I gripped the bottle of beer and made a mental note to kill or maim Sam’s brother.

Sam gasped, “What? Uh, moving a little fast here aren’t you Pete?”

Maddie shook her head.

“Go with it honey, he seems to really like you and you don’t find love that often. You are a lucky gal. Oh if only I could be so lucky.”

She looked at me when she said that.

I smiled and squeezed her hand. I had to show Carter that I had moved on, but my heart wasn’t into it. I wonder if Carter will ever know that she was the only woman in my heart.

I didn’t want to spend the rest of the night with Maddie, especially not alone.

“We’re waiting for a table. Dave and Linda aren’t coming so why don’t you join us?”

Maddie glared at me, Sam paled and Pete smiled.

“Jackie, I don’t think Sammie and Petey want to spend time with us. Besides, it’s is our first date.”

“Yeah Colonel, we’d hate to intrude on you guys. I think you two might want to get to know each other a little bit. I know how first dates go.”

“No thanks, sir, we were just going to shoot some pool and listen to the band.”

I was stuck with her alone for the night. Just great. What else could go wrong? I looked over at Maddie, she was beaming.

“We should get together another time, make it a foursome then. We can challenge each other at pool. I have to warn you, I am a shark when it comes to pool so watch out.”

She cackled again and I cringed.

Sam downed her beer and handed the empty bottle to me.

“It’s a date Maddie. Nice meeting you. Colonel, it was a pleasure to see you again. I promise to have Sam home at a decent hour.”

I nodded.

“Night Carter, see you in the morning.”

She looked at Maddie and then at me.

“Night sir.”

I watched her walk to the pool tables.

I saw how Pete’s hand was at the small of her back and how he maneuvered them to the stools by the tables.

He leaned close and tried to kiss her, but she turned and he only got her cheek.

“Hey, Earth to Jackie! Did you forget about me? That’s two strikes on you sweetie. One more and you’re going to have to pay.”

I turned to my date. I would eat with her, nod at her endless prattles, take her home, and that would be the end of it.

No way in hell will I ever go for the whole blind date thing again.

“Sorry Maddie, just spaced out for a minute.”

“That’s okay sugar. She’s a nice gal and that boyfriend of hers really likes her. I have to admit I was a little jealous there for a second. She gets to work with you. Boy that must be a treat for her. So Jackie, how many women do you work with? Do they all look like Sammie? I might have a problem with that if we start to get serious.”

Serious? We’d only met an hour ago and she thought we were going to get serious! Suddenly, those earlier thoughts of torture for Dixon seemed tame. I’d need to think of some more horrific ones.

My mind screamed ‘not in this lifetime sweetie’.

I tried to smile but it didn’t reach my eyes and motioned for the bartender.

I ordered another beer and considered a tequila shooter, but when Maddie handed me her empty glass I changed my mind. I handed her glass to the bartender and ordered her another drink it would be her last drink. I was going to take Dave’s warning about her and alcohol. The bartender handed me Maddie’s drink and I passed it to her. She thanked me.

“Hey Jackie, lets go sit closer to the band. I see an empty table right by the dance floor . . . come on sugar lets get it before someone else does.”

I told the bartender to let the hostess know we had moved by the dance floor and tipped him for the service.

Maddie took my hand and we got there in time before another couple could take the table.

“Alone at last, so Jackie, tell me all about yourself. I’m dying to hear your story.”

She leaned closer and gazed at me waiting for my tale. She took my hand and started to caress it.

I hated small talk. It ranked up there with paperwork. What did she want to know? Less was good so I started.

“Well, there’s nothing much to tell. I joined the Air Force when I graduated high school. I married and divorced once, retired once for about a year, then came back to the Air Force.”

“You mean to tell me you were married and she let you get away? Her loss is my gain. So, is that it?”

I held my tongue. No way was I talking about Charlie with this woman. I didn’t want to make a scene with Carter here. I had to use my control.

“That’s about it Maddie, not so exciting just a lifetime military guy.”

“So Jackie, do you want to know about me?”

Before I could say anything, she started her tale.

“Well, I’m a beautician. I had my own clientele back in the town I left. I was in a long-term relationship with the man I thought was going to marry me. That bum, he only used me. I know now that he never loved me. Only wanted me to be around for his beck and call and to caterer to his ever need. I left him and came here to start a new life. I really hope you’ll be part of that new life. I can see you’re a loyal man and wouldn’t stray like that no good, two timing ex of mine.”

She squeezed my hand. I took a long sip from my beer bottle then checked my watch. When would this night end?

The band cued up and started to play.

Maddie squealed.

“I love this song! Come on Jackie lets cut a rug.”

There was no way in hell I was going to dance with her. I so wanted to go home but I couldn’t risk here going into hysterics. That would be bad.

“Maddie, I’ve got two bad knees and dancing isn’t my thing. Why don’t we sit here and listen to the music.”

She tilted her head at me and smiled.

“Okay we don’t have to dance, yet, but I want to dance at least one time before the night is over. You do want to make me feel welcomed don’t you, Jackie?”

She wouldn’t take no for an answer. I relented and said I would dance once before we left.

I wondered if I could send Dave through the airlock of the Prometheus during its next test flight and claim it was an accident.

She scooted next to me and placed her hand on my lap.

“So Jackie, what is your description of the ideal woman?”

I nearly choked on my beer when she asked me that. Her hand started to ride up my leg and I had to stop her before things got uncomfortable. Well, more uncomfortable.

I looked over to where Carter was sitting with him. She was looking at us and when I caught her eye, she turned to pay attention to the players at the table.

My ideal woman was a tall blond with a heart of gold, sparkling blue eyes, and a smile that could light up a room.

Maddie saw where my attention had turned and snapped her fingers.

“Hey! I’m starting to take this personal Jackie, so are you going to answer my question or do you want to hear my opinion of what the perfect man is?”

I turned to her. I really didn’t want to play this game with her, but couldn’t think of a plausible way out of it. “Go for it.”

She smiled and took a sip of her drink

“Well my perfect man is tall, rugged looking, muscles but not too muscular, older since he would know what he wants and wouldn’t settle for less. He could even have grey hair. He’d be understanding and have a great sense of humor and is someone that would let me be me. So do you know anyone that fits that bill?”

She had closed the space between us, licked her lips, and waited for me to respond.

“Nope, no one I know. But I will keep my eyes open for you.”

She caressed my cheek and let out a giggle that got louder by the minute.

“Oh Jackie, you are such a character. You’re going to keep me on my toes aren’t you? That’s okay I’m up for it.” She was quiet for a moment than squealed. “Oh Jackie, I love this song come on let’s dance.”

I nodded no.

She pouted and stood up. She pushed the chair and table out of the way.

“Well, since you won’t dance with me I’ll dance for you. Sit back Jackie, I’ll do all the work. I just want to show you what a good time I’m having.”

My eyes widen as she proceeded to dance for me. She cupped my face and kissed me. She danced around me than straddled my lap and started to grind into me. I closed my eyes knowing we were the center of attention. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

I gritted my teeth and muttered, “Maddie stop it, sit down please.”

“Nope, not until you get up and dance with me handsome. So what’s it going to be?”

I would not be intimidated. I didn’t budge and she came down to my ear and whispered.

“Oh Jackie, did I tell you I took pole dancing classes? They did make me quiet flexible. Do you want to see how flexible?”

I stood up and she grinned.

“I knew we’d be dancing soon enough. Come on sugar lets give them a show.”

I gripped her hand and she turned to me. ”One dance, that’s it. No show, just two people dancing normally. Those are my rules.”

She caressed my cheek. “Anything you say sugar. No need to get angry, but I sure do like that tone of voice. Mmmm makes me all warm inside. I did tell you I like a man that’s in control right?”

I pulled her to the dance floor, she got as close as I would let her. I closed my eyes and wished it were someone else. Hoping this date would end so I could go bury myself, but not before I killed Dixon. He would pay for my humiliation in front of Carter. Of this, there was no doubt.

I wasn’t paying attention when Maddie stiffen and gasped.

“What the hell is he doing here? Oh god. I thought I left that no good, two timing, SOB back in Twin Falls. Of all the nerve . . . to come here, Tiny should know that I am not going back to him! Why should I when I have you to take care of me now.”

Tiny? Who the hell was Tiny and why was she upset? What gave her the idea that I would be taking care of her?

I tried to see who had made her upset. She pulled me close and whispered in my ear.

“Oh great, he’s seen us. I was having such a good time. Jackie I think we had better leave. If I know him, he’s going to cause a scene. He thinks he can just snap his fingers and I’ll go back to him. After the way he treated me, well no way in hell is that going to happen.”

She was giving me an out! Oh, yes! My luck was finally changing.

Leaving was a good idea. I could drop her off at her place, go home, and drown myself in beer while I try to forget my day from hell. Before I could pull us off the dance floor, a hand was place on my shoulder.

“Hey buddy, do you mind if I cut in.”

I was expecting a small guy, but when I turned around I was face to chest with a guy built like a Mack truck. He looked like that cartoon guy with the donkey. What was the name of the ogre? Shrek? Yup, that was it. I was about to let go of Maddie and sit down when she pulled me closer.

“No! I mind if you cut in so why don’t you leave now! Me and Jackie here are on a date and I don’t know what you’re doing here but I want you to leave now Tiny. I have nothing to say to you. We are no longer together.”

Shrek snorted.

“Leave Maddie, you told me where you were going to be. If you didn’t want me to come, you wouldn’t have flaunted it in my face that you were going out on a date. Now woman, are you going to dance with me or not?”

I felt like a third wheel and started to step aside. Maddie held tight and hissed.

“I told you were I was going after you wouldn’t leave me alone. How was I to know you would drive up here to see who my new boyfriend was? It’s over Tiny. I’ve moved on and Jackie is the guy I’m moving on with.”

This was getting out of hand. Boyfriend? Me? I don’t think so!

Maddie started to pull me off the dance floor, but Tiny grabbed her free hand. She howled that he was hurting her. Much as I disliked the woman, I couldn’t let him do that. One thing I cannot tolerate is a woman being man handled, especially by a gorilla like him.

“Hey buddy why don’t you let go of the ladies hand. She’s made it clear to you that she doesn’t want you around. Why don’t you be a nice guy and let us pass. No harm no foul.”

Tiny looked at Maddie.

“He’s old enough to be you’re father.” That said he looked at me. “Hey mister, you should be ashamed of yourself, dating a 22 year old.”

I did a double take and looked at Maddie.

“22, you’re 22 Dave said you were in your 30’s.”

Tiny snorted.Maddie ignored me.

“Would you keep your big mouth shut Tiny? Don’t you know a lady doesn’t reveal her age? I just told you I was 22 you moron now leave! You’re ruining my date. I never want to see you again.”

Tiny laughed. “Lady? Where? There’s no lady here. Well maybe some of these other gals, but you a lady? Yeah, that’s a stretch.”

I stood in front of Shrek.

Maddie was standing behind me.

“Hey that was uncalled for Tiny. What ever you two have had in the past is in the past, lets be civil here. No need to insult her and she won’t insult you. You’ve upset her and I’m sure she doesn’t want to talk to you, so why don’t you leave.”

“You going to make me grandpa? That would be so unfair to you. I don’t want to hurt you so listen, why don’t you just leave. She’s a handful and she’s not even worth the trouble she’ll cause you. Trust me on this gramps, she’s a handful. Heck, I’m asking myself if I shouldn’t walk out and leave her to you.”The whole ‘gramps’ thing was getting old fast. Pun intended.

Maddie gasped stepped from behind me and slapped him.

She turned around and walked off in a huff.

Tiny was not a happy camper. Leaving would be a good idea about now. I guided her out the door. I didn’t like the gleam in his eyes after her little charade and I sure as hell didn’t want to get involved with what was going on between them.

We were almost at my truck when Maddie screamed.

I turned around to see that Tiny had grabbed her wrist. He started yelling.

“Enough of these games Maddie, we’re going to settle this now.”

She was whimpering and asking him to release her wrist, he was hurting her.

I grabbed the arm that was holding her wrist with a grip that would cause him the most pain. He had gone too far. There was no excuse for hurting any woman even one as obviously as manipulative as Maddie.

“Hey, I warned you buddy. You’re hurting her. Why don’t you let her go before you get hurt?”

He snorted. “She’s had me on a wild goose chase over two states looking for her. If she didn’t want me to know where she was going then why did she leave me a message telling me the time and place of where she would be? Butt out okay, I don’t want to hurt you but I will.”

Maddie turned to me.

“Jackie, make him stop! I can’t feel my hand! He’s hurting me!”

I snapped. Enough was enough.

“Let her go you goon.”

He flung Maddie to the floor.

“You going to make me old man? She’s too much for you to handle so why don’t you get in your truck and go on your merry way. She acts out when I don’t pay attention to her, and well, this is one of those times. So do yourself a favor and go before I have to beat you to a pulp.”

He came at me and I let my training kick in. I punched him once in the face and then his gut. I aimed for his knee, knowing this blow would bring him down. That did it. Tiny groaned and fell to the floor. Blood was gushing through his nose and he wasn’t moving.

I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. I stood over him, trying to anticipate his next move.

Maddie started screaming and I turned to face her.

“You hurt my Tiny! Why? Oh my god what did you do to him! What did he do to you sweetie. Don’t worry I’ll get him for this!”

She began hitting me in the head with her bag. I tried to get her to stop but she was beyond reason.

A crowd had gathered around us.

“Maddie stop it! You asked me to stop him and I did”.

I tried to get her to listen but she was hell bent on hurting me.

I finally got her to let go and she fell back. I turned as she let out a howl.

“That’s no way to treat a lady.”

Those were the last words I heard before a fist came flying right into my face and the darkness claimed me.

I woke up to see Carter looking down at me. She had my head on her lap.

“Sir, are you okay? You’re going to have a real shiner there.”

“Hey Carter, did you get the license plate number of the truck that hit me?

She smiled and shook her head. I tried to sit up but she stopped me.

“It would be best if you stayed down, you might have a concussion. Pete’s trying to convince the cops to not take you in.”

Cops? Huh? It all came back to me. Why I was on the ground and feeling like my eye was throbbing, that is.

Maddie and Tiny.

“Carter, if I don’t’ live through this make sure you kill Dave for me. It’s my dying wish that Linda becomes a widow.”

She tried not to laugh. I did laugh. Big mistake. I winced and I could see the concern in her eyes.

“So, where are my date and her supposed to be ex, boyfriend?”

Carter looked around to locate them.

“Well, Maddie’s in the back of a patrol car.” She paused. “Oh my, the words that are coming out of her mouth. She could teach you a thing or two about cursing. The Mack truck that hit you is in the back of another patrol car.”

“Good. Serves them right. So, how much longer do I have to lay here doc?”

Pete came over. He didn’t look like he has good news. I could see the officer behind him. Oh joy. It’s the same officer from this morning. The one I had promised that I’d stay out of trouble. Lucky me. I groaned as I sat up. Oh yeah, this would officially go down as the worse night of my life.

“Sir, I thought you said you weren’t going to cause anymore trouble?”

Carter looked at the officer and then at me.

“Sam, I tried but they say that the colonel started the fight.”

I stood up. That was a mistake. I felt the world spin and fell back onto Carter.

“What? I was defending her from her ex. He grabbed her hand and she asked me to stop him. What are they saying?”

Pete looked at Sam and then at me.

“He’s saying you provoked him, punched him in the face, and then nearly took out his knee. She’s saying you pushed her away when she tried to help her boyfriend.”

“I’m sorry Colonel, but you’re going to have to come with me so we can get these stories straight,” the officer said.

Carter helped me get steady.

“Pete and I will follow you.” She turned to the officer. “He needs to see a doctor, he may have a concussion.”

Great, just what I needed to be indebted to Carter’s new boyfriend. I was taken to the hospital and, after a two hour wait, was given a clean bill of health. The officer took me down to the station after that.

Carter followed in my truck.

So, here I am, sitting in my cell thinking, ‘this was all a bad dream and I am going to wake up.’ Only my eyes are open. I closed my eyes and opened them again. Nope, this is reality and I am in big trouble if those two don’t fess up that they had started the whole thing.

I haven’t heard anything from anyone. I’m done for. I close my eyes again. Death is too easy for Dave. I think I’ll find a sarcophagus. I’ll torture him to death, put him in the sarcophagus, and then start all over again.

I hear footsteps then a voice I was hoping never to hear again.

“Jackie? Are you awake?”

I sit up and she gasps.

“Wow, you’re going to have a shiner.”

“What do you want Maddie?” My tone is curt. I don’t care. She doesn’t seem to notice.

“I came to tell you that I told them what happened and it was all a misunderstanding. You were only protecting me and Tiny got out of hand. He’s like that you know. He says that I drive him to it, and well, I do go overboard with things and I might be a little at fault here.”

“A little Maddie?” Never has any woman ever frustrated me so. “So, what now? This is serious I can be in some trouble here.”

She comes closer to the bars and grips them.

“I know and I’m sorry. If you hadn’t had such strong feelings for me then Tiny wouldn’t have gone berserk. He really loves me and when he saw how you couldn’t keep your hands off me and then rushed to my defense he lost it.”

“What? Huh? Maddie, what are you talking about?”

I walk close to the bars and she puts a finger to my lips.

“It’s okay Jackie, we had a connection, and well, I hate to break your heart but I only truly love one man and that’s Tiny. He showed me today that he truly does love me and look, he gave me a ring! We’re going to Vegas and getting hitched. So, I’m sorry we never got to really get to know each other but I’m spoken for. I hope you understand Jackie.”

I shake my head in shock. After a second, I can’t help but laugh. Loudly. “You two kids be happy and if I had any part in getting you two together then that’s good. So, no charges are going to be filed right?”

The outer door opens and Tiny walks in with the officer.

I back up, hands held high.

“Don’t worry Tiny, I didn’t touch her. She was just letting me down easy. You’re one lucky guy.”

“Ah yeah, about what I said…”

I really wanted to take another swing at the ox, but I’m off the proverbial hook in more ways than one. No way am I going to push my luck.

“No problem, who am I to stand between you and your true love.”

The officer opens my cell door and I walk out.

“You’re free to go sir, but . . .”

“I promise to be good. I’m going straight home.”

Maddie comes up to me and holds her hand out.

“Bye Jackie thanks for a lovely evening.”

With a false grin plastered on my face, I shake her hand. “The pleasure was all mine. Bye Maddie.”

I walked out to find Carter and super cop in the lobby.

“The charges have been dropped and Maddie and Tiny are getting married.”

Carter’s mouth opens and super cop snorts.

“Thanks for the help, but if you’ll excuse me I’m going home and hiding out for the rest of the evening.”

I walk out of the station then remember Carter has my keys. I turn around and head back. I’ve only taken a few steps when she comes out.

“Sir, your keys.”

“Thanks, Carter. Thank your friend for his help. Oh, and if you ever hear that I’m going on another blind date, shoot me.”

She giggled.

“I’m sorry your night was such a disaster, but all dates don’t end up like this. You’ve just got to find the right woman.”

She hands me my keys and I hold her hand. If she only knew I thought she was the right girl for me.

I let go. She frowned and turned to see her guy waiting.

“You better go Carter. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yes sir, and if you have any plans for Colonel Dixon, let me know I’ll be happy to help.”

I beam at her and nod.

“Oh yes, Mr. ‘What’s the worse that can happen?’ Yeah I have all night to think of ways to get even.”

“Night, sir.”

“Night, Carter”.

I climb into my truck and look at my face in the review. She wasn’t kidding. My eye is a lovely shade of black and blue.

I start to drive away from the station when Carter flags me down.

“What’s up, Carter.”

“Uh, Pete just got a phone call, a lead on a case he’s been working on and . . .”

“Work-a-holic huh? Need a ride home my lady?”

“If you don’t mind.”

She climbs in and I bask in the time I have with her.

“For you Carter, anything. So, how about dinner? I’m starving. I need something big and greasy.”

She smiles. “Only if you’re treating, Jackie.”

She starts to giggle and I can’t help but smile.

“What ever you say Sammie. Whatever you say.”


Plot: One of Jack's friends sets him up on a date (it doesn't have to
be a blind date, but can be if you like). It turns out to be the worst date
he has ever been on and he has to get through the whole thing and then
break up with the girl.

The friend who sets him up can't be Sam, Daniel or Teal'c.
The woman he goes out with must be an original character.
The date can go badly in whatever way you like but it must be, at least
in part, because of something about the woman.
Jack must make it through the whole date (however painful)
He must find a way to break up with her nicely
Sam (or any woman) can't be his reason or excuse for breaking up, even
in a vague and round about sort of way.
The date has to be on earth, there can be off-world scenes if you
want/need to, but the date and the girl must be earth happenings.

Notes: Bonus points for some Sam/Jack ship

And double bonus points in you manage to whump Jack in the process (but
Only if it works, no need to write anything ridiculous just to break
him...much as we like to)