Author: Patricia Byrne
Category: Sam & Jack Angst
CONTENT LEVEL: 13+
Content Warning: None
Season/Sequel info: End of Season 5
Spoilers: Meridian, Ascension
Archive: Heliopolis, Jackfic, Carterfic, Sam&Jack. Anywhere else just let me know so I can visit J
Summary: A much needed emotional breakdown after Daniel’s “death”.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or deceased, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Author’s notes: Ok, this is the culmination of a long, horrible train ride, no sleep for Tricia L, and the incessant desire to kill someone or just have them die…
Thank you SO much to Susan (Arrietty) for Beta reading this for me. It was a great help and a mood lifter J
Copyright © Patricia M. Byrne May, 2003
She hated him. She hated Jack. Yes, Jack. Right now, she couldn’t think of him as anything but Jack. Not the Colonel, not her colonel, not Sir. Just Jack. Because all the others were military and from a military perspective you weren’t supposed to have thoughts of ill will towards your superior officer. But now, now, she hated him.
She hated him for so many reasons. So many things he’d never said, never done, so many things he had said, had done, just so many things. But most of all, right now, she hated him for Danny. She hated him for letting Danny go. For letting them stay on that Godforsaken planet with those Godforsaken people and their Godforsaken experiments. It should have been her. She was the scientist. She should have been the one observing the experiment. Danny was just an archeologist; he should have been in a damned library somewhere. But Danny had gone off with Jonas and be the hero… and then Jack had let him go again… and now Danny was dead.
How funny she now wondered why she had never thought of him as Danny when he was alive. Always Daniel. Always her brother figure. The one that had been closer to her than her real brother. But always Daniel.
She knew he wasn’t dead, not really. He had ascended, glowed into non-existence. But he hadn’t come back. He hadn’t shown up outside her house like Orlin had. Hadn’t shared himself with her as Orlin had. Hadn’t even shown up to say goodbye. And he wasn’t going to. He was never coming back. So, for all intents and purposes, he was dead. And for that she hated Jack.
She stared at the empty beer bottle in her hand; it was nowhere near her first. The day had, well, sucked. But after everything was done there had been a virtual understanding among them. It was something that everyone just knew. No words needed to be spoken. So, they had converged on to Jack’s house. Jack, Teal’c, Janet, and even General Hammond and her father had made a brief appearance at the makeshift wake, arriving with beer. Lots and lots of beer. And still hardly a word had been uttered the whole night.
The most that had been said was when the general and Dad had left. Moving around the room making their goodbyes, sharing condolences and giving each other “time”. But time wasn’t what they needed. Wasn’t what she needed. She needed, no, she wanted answers. Answers from him about why. Why, Jack? She wanted to scream it at him. Why let him go? Why did you let him die? Why did you give up on him? Give up on us and our ability to help him?
The helping part had been Janet’s, but Janet had done everything she could and more, to no avail. Then she herself had tried to use the Goa’uld healing device. The naquada in her blood gave her the capability to use it, but not the knowledge of how to use it. She had probably hurt him more than helped him. Then, Dad and Selmak had shown up. By then the damage was very extensive… if they’d only gotten there sooner, if she’d known how to use the device, if Jack hadn’t let him go. And that was what it came down to in the end. Jack had let him go. Had begged, if not ordered, all of them to do the same. Said that it was what Daniel wanted. And he was probably right. And she hated him for it.
She stood up and walked, as best she could, into the kitchen. Throwing yet another empty bottle into the bin and fetching a new one. She swiftly opened it and made her way back to the entrance of his living room.
Standing in the doorway she took everyone in. Teal’c, looking stoic as always, could have been kel-no-reeming and she wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference. Janet looked as though she might be asleep, but Sam knew better. Sam knew that sleep would not come easily for her friend. Jack. Jack sat there looking like a boy who had just lost his dog and wanted to cry but wouldn’t. Wanted to be comforted, but couldn’t. And, God, she hated him for it.
Even more powerful than that, though, was her growing hatred of the silence. She needed to end it. Needed to end this.
“I hate you, Jack.” She stated evenly.
At that statement though, everyone turned to look. Teal’c with his normally stoic expression only slightly altered to include the familiarly raised eyebrow. Janet, on the other hand, looked shocked and appalled by Sam’s statement, her red, puffy eyes wide and teary. Jack. Jack’s expression was the worst, though. Hurt, anger, annoyance, but mostly understanding was all clear in his deep brown eyes.
He probably knew she was hurting. Had to know she was hurting. Knew she’d need someone to blame and figured that that someone would be him. It usually was. After all, isn’t this what Sara had done to him when Charlie died? And knowing that they both knew all of this and he still understood her actions, she hated him even more.
“I really hate you, Jack.” She pushed herself a step closer to him.
Janet sat fully upright and went to stand, “Sam, I –“
She put her hand up to stop her friend. “No, Janet. No.” She paused, trying to blink back the tears that threatened to fall. “I need to say this. Need to get this all out.”
She turned back to him. Turned back to the man that had been the object of so very many conflicting feelings in her life.
“I hate you, Jack.”
His eyes closed briefly as the words hit home and stung.
“I hate how you’ve always covered your feelings for anyone that you’ve ever cared about. I hate how you let him stay there. Let Danny stay there. I hate how you would ALWAYS let him go on the foolhardy missions no matter how many times he got himself hurt or nearly killed. I hate how you were able to let him go, in the end.” She was crying now and it was becoming about so much more than Daniel.
“I hate how you hide everything, as if the whole world is one huge Black Ops… thing… and you need to protect yourself. I hate how you expect everyone else to act the same damned way.” Jack stood warily and closed the remaining distance between them. Janet and Teal’c could have melted into the woodwork and neither Jack nor Sam would have noticed. “I hate the way you look, the way you smell, the way you feel….” She was sobbing uncontrollably now. “But more than anything else I hate the way you make me feel when I’m around you.”
He pulled her into his arms and buried his head in her hair as he let loose on his own unshed tears. She grabbed onto his shirt, clutching at his chest as she finally released all of the pent up frustration, hostility and sadness of losing loved ones that had been with her since her childhood.
She cried for what seemed like hours and probably was. She vaguely remembered being moved, moved and brought to a comfy spot where she felt warm and cozy and loved. But it didn’t stop the tears. Tears for so many that had never been shed and a few that could never be shed enough. She clung to him harder now, afraid that he would let go, but he didn’t.
She vaguely remembered Janet and Teal’c quietly saying goodbye. Janet had leaned over and placed a light, comforting, mother-like kiss on her friend’s forehead before leaving.
It must have been hours later that she pried her eyes open. The worst part of crying yourself to sleep, was trying to open your eyes the next day, she knew that well. She looked up and was greeted by Jack’s wonderfully, loving face.
She nodded. Then slowly, she moved her head, taking in their surroundings. They were in bed. A huge comfy bed with a fluffy down comforter covering them and big fluffy pillows underneath them. Her head carefully and comfortably nestled in the crook of his arm, resting lightly on his shoulder.
He noticed her looking around. “Sam, you were in NO condition to drive home last night and there was no way we were going to be able to pry you off of me, so I…”
“It’s okay.” She interrupted. She had no desire to relive the events of her emotional breakdown the night before. Realizing just how much trouble she could be in, she quickly added, “Sir.”
He laughed, not a full laugh, but a laugh nonetheless. “Sir? Don’t you think formalities are a bit overdue, Samantha?”
She blushed at the use of her name and smiled slightly. “Yeah, I guess so.” She shifted and moved to the edge of the bed. “I should probably be going.”
Jack sat up and moved over to her side. “You don’t have to, Sam. Now that you’re feeling better, lay back and get some real sleep. I’ll flop on the couch for a bit and then make us some breakfast.”
She smiled and relented to his touch as he eased her back into the bed. She snuggled down and closed her eyes, feeling the feather light kiss that Jack placed on her cheek right before she drifted off to sleep.
When Sam awoke her senses were assaulted with the delightful aromas of breakfast a la Jack. She quickly ran into the bathroom, scrubbed her face and attempted to make herself at least somewhat presentable. Although, after her display the night before she would be surprised if he even recognized her if she looked normal today.
She entered the kitchen and smiled, watching him move about and cook like it was all his glory. “Do you do this sort of thing every morning or just on mornings after a woman has a nervous breakdown in your living room?”
He turned around and smiled at her. “Come on, Sam. There’s no reason to be embarrassed about that. We were all upset over Daniel; you just needed to lash out. The beer definitely didn’t help to reign in your feelings.”
She stepped toward him. “Jack, about the things I said last night…”
He once again closed the distance between them, bringing a single finger up to rest on her lips. “Sam. Don’t. You don’t need to.” He let his finger drop. “Just know this, no matter what, my feelings for you haven’t changed. You seemed to need to hear that last night.”
She smiled, softly. “I know, Jack… My feelings haven’t changed either. It’s just, well; sometimes it’s easier to hate you out loud, than love you in silence….”